Posted in a little bit country, process

by definition, I shall change

You know the kind of person that shows up on time to things? Anything. You know, like work or social engagements or coffee dates with friends, etc, etc. I am not that person. You know the kind of person that looks ‘well put together’, matches in beautiful colour tones and just seems to breeze comfortably from one meeting to the next? She must exist. I’m sure I’ve spotted her out of the corner of my eye. Or perhaps she’s just the figment of a Hollywood imagination.

I know one thing. I am not that person.

Late. For most occasions. Sweaty. Disheveled. Out of breath because I’ve had to hurry to be less than my usual ten minutes late. Messy hair. Eye baggage and every other kind of baggage, oh yes, I’ll bring that to the meeting, too.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been looking into 2013 wondering what to change for that upcoming batch of 12 months. ‘Everything’ seems too large a task, but I haven’t even the foggiest of the smaller things. I thought perhaps that ‘arriving to things less flustered’ would be a good aim, until I realized that I am not the kind of person to pull that off.

Maybe I could do something new with my hair, like grow it out long and shiny, combed and beautiful. Maybe I could imagine a life of putting on lipstick and ensuring that one arrives un-muddied and nail polish un-chipped. I then look at my two lovely, playful Labradors settled next to my feet and know that the possibility of the previous sentence is not possible.

Maybe I could really have that cheery disposition my Twitter account boasts of, smiling graciously and wonderfully as life throws curve ball after curve ball in my direction. Maybe be more philosophical and forgiving of others and self.

Or maybe, possibly maybe, the way to step into 2013 is to accept all of my many flaws, embrace my boyish good looks and instead call them ‘gamine,’ be okay with my short scrappy hair and flustered state upon arrival. Perhaps I can rebrand what’s there. Flustered could mean ‘fresh faced and healthy glow’ and late could mean ‘so busy with all the many adventures of life it’s difficult to cram them all in so hey, I’m late because life’s exciting.’

I’m choosing to rebrand my brand of self as ‘something of a beautiful mess.’ It’s really the only way to avoid self loathing in Edinburgh in 2013.

Author:

I am an artist living and working in a rather gorgeous city. My art can be purchased in various shops throughout the city as well as from my online shop. I also work as a primary school art teacher. I feel lucky that I can divide my time between the two activities.

3 thoughts on “by definition, I shall change

  1. I think being able to swing at curve-balls and still keep standing, facing the world, projecting a level of together and cheery disposition is a rather remarkable trick to have managed. Hell, if you’re improving on that, you’re starting from somewhere pretty great. (You can’t control the curve-balls, but you have controlled how you deal with them. 🙂 )

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